I am not the vampire Nick.

Yes, my name is Nick, and, I am vampire.  Did you catch that?  I AM VAMPIRE.

Does that confuse you?  Let me see if I can explain it so you can understand, Sparky.

Do humans call themselves the human David?  or the human Mandy?  No.  They don’t.  So, why should I call myself  the vampire Nick?  Exactly.  I don’t.  To be a vampire, is to be a vampire.  You simply are.

Ah, yes, nice.  There’s that blank stare again.  Let’s move on.

The funny thing about being a vampire, which I suppose really isn’t funny at all, is that everyone has a dark desire to be a vampire, until, of course, they become one.

Oh, I see. You are one of those people.

You believe in the romanticized vampire hero.  Yes, you believe we are all ridiculously beautiful and absurdly romantic.  Oh! And that we sparkle in the sunlight.  Right?  Right.

Want to know what would happen to me if I stood in the sunshine?  Within the first two minutes I would pass out.  Yes, that’s what I said, pass out.

Then?  Then I’d fry up quicker than a marshmallow at a sorority bonfire.  That’s right.  No sparkle my friend.  A few sparks maybe, with a sound similar to that of bacon on a skillet, but no sparkle.  Then it’s ashes to ashes and dust to dust for yours truly.  Not very romantic is it?  Not very nice.

Here’s another fact you need to face about me;  I am a killer.

Sorry, no way around this little technicality.  There is a sexual aspect to us, but sex isn’t on my mind when I’m gripping your hair and pulling your head back to expose that delicious neck of yours.  While you’re panting in the throes of passion thinking about fucking me, I’m taking in your scent, thinking about the taste of your blood in my mouth.  You know what else I’m thinking?  I’m actually hoping; hoping can you believe that?  I’m hoping there’s nothing wrong with you to spoil your taste.

I don’t blame you for believing all the Hollywood fantasies about us.  Humans are being inundated by vampire stories these days.  Vampire stories written by humans.

I laugh at that because it’s the blind leading the blind.

Let’s see, what was the name of that vampire movie–you know—the one with Tom Cruise?  Ah yes.  Interview With a Vampire.  You liked his portrayal of a vampire?  Yes, I’m sure you liked his Oscar winning performance.

Tom Cruise–he’s one I’d like to sink my teeth into and suck the life out of–what? oh , no–no, not because I find him at all attractive–not even as a meal.  I’d just like to shut him the fuck up.

Was that mean of me to say?  Damn straight that’s mean–and true.  I deal with death every moment of my existence.  It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.  Still want to be friends?

Yes, I bet you do.

You see?  I tell you I’m a killer.  I tell you all you are to me is a meal, and you still want to get to know me and be–friends.  What am I going to do with you?  Oh, I have ideas.  Yes—I—-do.

Sorry if I seem a little nostalgic at the moment, but I was just remembering the good old days when we used to be feared.  Feared!

Now?  Now we are rock-stars.  Yes, it’s true.  Mother of mercy we even have groupies.  Groupies!  Can you believe it?

Yeah, of course you do.  You’re probably one of them.  I don’t get it.

What else would you like to know?  Love?  Ah, so, you want to know if I have the capability to love?  You want to know if our eternal search for our lost true loves, who are destined to one day reincarnate in some distant future land and coincidentally look just like they did 500 years before, is true.  That kind of sappy stupidity makes me chuckle.  But it also pisses me off.

Look, can I love?  Sure.  Do I want to?  No.

Love means attachment and attachment will end in loss and after a couple of centuries of loss, well, you lose your taste for it.  Oh sure, some vamps will hold out hope in finding that one true love.  And when they find them, or think they have, they will be tempted to turn them.  And that’s all great in theory, but let me tell you, eternity is a long goddamn time when you’ve got some crazy bitch riding your back and NOT in a good way.

Me?  Did I ever find my true love?  A very long time ago before I became vampire.  As for the one I turned, I guess I did love her.   Yes, I made the fucking mistake of turning her.  Hands down the worst mistake of my cursed existence.  It’s been haunting me a long fucking time now.

Look, listen to me when I tell you–happily ever after works beautifully as long as death is allowed to do its job.  When you’re dealing with immortals—yeah—not so much.

I want to tell you about garlic.  I want to dispel the rumors passed on through old wive’s tales.

Here, let’s get this straight once and for all; I don’t like garlic.  No, not because it holds some magical force against me, but because it reeks!  It reeks to high heaven and down to all holy hell.

Look, I have a heightened sense of smell, remember?  Heightened senses— see?

I can see clearly in the dark and I can smell my prey a mile away.

Oh, you think that’s cool?  Right, you would.

I think it’s a curse.  Think about it Sparky.  No, think harder.

Are you getting it?

I see the light-bulb finally sputtering on.

Yes!  Houston we have contact.

We can smell everything.  The most delicious smells and the most putrid of odors–up close and personal–ALL the time.  Garlic may smell terrific on your pizza, but when you multiply that smell by 100–it’s not so great.

You think I’m whining?

You have some sort of death wish?  Are you kidding me?

Please.  Don’t make me bite your throat out.  Seriously.  I almost like you and it would be a shame to do it this early in our friendship.

C’mon, that was vampire humor.

And, while we’re on the subject of smell,  don’t we live in the modern age of soap and running water?  Why do some humans still prefer to smell like a wet towel that’s been rolled up and stuffed in a corner for days?  What the hell?

And at the other end of the spectrum, Jesus Holy Christ in Heaven, what is up with perfumes and colognes and aftershaves?  I hate having to hold my breath when feasting on my prey and to have the perfume stick to my lips for days is torture!  Not a pleasant experience — at all.

We’ll move on to the subject of crosses.

Look, there’s a misconception about crosses and vampires.  The misconception is that they will harm us—burn us.  It’s understandable.  After all, crosses are holy, right?  And we are evil, right? 

Wrong.

The truth is, we don’t like crosses because they remind us of how far we’ve fallen.  They remind us we are damned.  Got that?  It’s a difficult concept to grasp, yes I know, especially if you don’t believe in a god.  You want to know more?  Well that’s too bad because that’s all I’m going to say on the subject.  No, save your breath.  Don’t ask now.

Why am I telling you all this?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m bored.  I’ve been around for a long damn time and it’s bound to happen.   Vampires get lonely too you know.  Being immortal is not all that great.  I’d say after the 175th year it starts to feel like you’ve done everything there is to do.

Now, where was I?  Ah, yes, I was about to tell you why I am doing this whole blog thing.

The truth is, I don’t care.  I don’t care what other blood suckers will think of me.  Fuck them.  Fuck you too for that matter if you’re judging me.  Yes, fuck you.

I’ll tell you my story.  I’ll tell everybody my story.  I may leave out some embarrassing parts–like the time I found myself naked at the circus—yeah, we’ll skip that story.

I know the stories you want.  They are the stories everyone wants.  Yes, you all want the cliche’.

Don’t look at me like that.  You know it’s true.

You don’t want to hear the truth.  Nobody does.  It’s easier to accept when you paint a happy face on the monsters.

I don’t know, maybe I’m doing this because vampires are all the craze now.  Vampire stories are coming out of the woodwork.

I’m not setting the record straight, I’m just telling it like it is.

I don’t give a fuck about the record.  And who the fuck is keeping the record anyway? I’d like to know so I can bitch slap them into tomorrow.  That’s right damn you, I said bitch slap.  Why are you smiling?  Yeah, you did smile, I saw it.

Look, I think I’m done for now.  You can come back tomorrow and I’ll tell you a story.

I have to go get a bite to eat.

Yes, that’s more vampire humor.

Now, get the fuck out.

AH SO YOU’RE BACK FOR MORE… newly edited post.. more Nick!